Sunday, December 19, 2010

Soldiers and Elks

Earlier tonight, I went to Sandals for what will be the last time this year. When we go there again on Jan. 9, Don will be done with his long military career, and we will begin the process of seeing how God is going to get us through that 19 months before he actually gets a retirement pension. Wow.

The fact that Don was forced out of his full-time job with the military in 2009, and still hasn't found another job - in fact I think I can count the number of legitimate job interviews on one hand - has me worried. The fact that he will soon be losing the part-time portion of his military service has me more so. After all, during 2004 - our most difficult year - the full-time job is what got us through the year, and the next five years. The part-time job with the Air Guard has been a blessing to us throughout all 10 years of our marriage. And it too is coming to an end soon, without any clear understanding of how God will provide a replacement income for Don.

Will I be going back to being the family provider? And if so, will Don be contributing ANYTHING? These are questions that swirl through my head, even though Don goes to an audition callback tomorrow, and could be chosen and filming a new commercial before 2010 is over.

Tonight's sermon reminded me again that I need to stop being so afraid. If you've been to Sandals anytime since Thanksgiving, you know the series is about spiritual warfare. And if you went today, you know Pastor Matt talked at great length about lions prowling about ready to devour elks, just as Satan would like to devour us.

Elks are my absolute favorite wild animal! After all, I used to be an ELK. I was Ellen Louise Kril, a.ka. ELK. As Pastor Matt's went on with his analogy of elks being these highly vulnerable creatures (to lions) just like we are (to Satan), I realized that was so very, very true during the years 1989 to 1997 when I myself was an ELK.

First of all, by becoming ELK, I was walking into danger - an unequally yoked marriage. At that time, I was definitely more vulnerable to Satan's attacks. In fact, for a few of those years, 1992-94, I was not a church attender. My problems with infertility at that time were so overwhelming, I couldn't even deal with church.

It didn't help that I was attending a church that worshipped families practically as much as the Mormons do. It is my understanding, at least, a Mormon woman is told she cannot reach heaven unless she has children. (Which makes heaven unattainable to someone like myself.) At the church I attended in the 1990s, all who believed in Jesus could be saved. But, women who did not make motherhood their primary calling were not, according to this church, walking in God's will. I would have chosen a church that accepted motherhood was not God's will for every single woman, except that this church was the closest to my home, and my husband wanted me to spend as little time as possible away from him on Sundays. Did that not make me like an elk out on the plain in Africa, too lame to run far away from the lion? Yet, by God's grace, this ELK was never devoured by the Lion. But the marriage was.

After my divorce, I wasn't really sure what the future held for me. But soon enough, God put a wonderful Christian man in my path, and that is my husband Don. Don has actually been in my path since 1990, but my new-found singleness in early 1998 led me to High Desert Church, where Don attended from 1990 until well after we moved to Riverside. He was active in the HDC single's program, and there, our friendship blossomed into so much more. It was as if God had sent me my very own soldier to help protect me from the evil one.

I know the sermon was about each person putting on the full armor of God - the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit. Every Roman soldier needed this armor, just as every member of the Air Force needs certain tools before he or she goes on a deployment. Likewise, just as Roman soldiers needed to know how to use their armory, our military needs to know how to use the tools in their duffle bags.

I am glad that 27 years of being a Christian has given me good tools and the ability to put them to good use in the spiritual battles I now face. I am sure the battle ground I faced in my first and second decade as a Christian helped sharpen my ability. I am now fairly confident that I can get through anything!

But, the United States military is not just effective because it has good tools and good training. It is effective because of the chain of command. Soldiers facing a battle look to a commanding officer for instruction. Likewise, I believe the more experienced soldier in my life - Don has been a Christian for 49 years - leads me to safety, and to the places where we can best accomplish the mission God has for us.

All of this came to mind through tonight's discussion of elks and soldiers. Then it was reinforced. One of the songs we sang at the end of worship was "Oh, How He Loves You and Me." That song, which I don't think we have ever sang at Sandals before, was a staple at the church I attended in the 90s. It was followed by "Wait Upon The Lord," a song we don't sing very often at Sandals - but it was a staple at High Desert Church.

Elks, soldiers, and old standard church songs. These remind me of how God has already worked in my life. This helps me to trust that in 2011, he will continue to do so.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Have I been cranky lately?

Probably. That's why this Facebook posting by Saddleback pastor Rick Warren hit home.

When cranky people blog I wonder if anyone likes to be around them in real life. "You must show yourself friendly" Pr18:24


I don't know if anyone reads my blog, beyond maybe the first two entries. I think the last two entries are more like a journal for venting frustration with some things that are going on in my life. But if you stumble on this, please know that I don't want to come off as a crank. In real life, I hope I come across as a friendly, or at least a sensitive and caring person.

Ok? I'll be back for some vetching when I think of something else to vetch about. Or when I think of something I should praise God about beyond the everyday things, that I should be in constant praise regarding. Generally, God makes life very good, that's why it's disappointing if that's not what's happening.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This is going to be short tonight, but it's on my mind.

I like good restaurants with good company. My husband does not. He likes coupons. He can't see a reason to eat at a restaurant anymore that does not have a coupon.

I like good restaurants, but I love him. So, I'm giving up good restaurants for him.

We're going to be eating in a lot. I can cook better than most of the cooks at the kind of restaurants he likes.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Six weeks or so ago when I started this blog, I hesitated in doing so, because I was afraid I would not have much to write about. Yet, I felt compelled to do so. And yet, the very reason that compelled me to write this blog has probably also hindered me from moving forward and adding at least this third post, perhaps the others that will follow.

My second entry I'm pretty sure was pretty heavy. How could I feel anything but happiness that I now have a granddaughter? But yet, I felt it would be good for someone out there to know that it would be OK, years after their own infertility is or was resolved, to feel jealousy when a close family member has a baby. I am sure glad that was a momentary feeling, seeing as how Abigail is the third of four babies born to close family members in the past year. My cousins, Jodi Lepore and Wendy Rippee, became first-time moms in December 2009 and February 2010 respectively. And my niece, Holly's cousin Kristan Hess became a first-time mom 12 days after Holly did. (Abigail is the only girl in the bunch.)

So there's lots to be happy about right? Not only that, just two days ago, something else new came into my life. My church, Sandals, has moved into a brand-new building. The fact that a new life has begun, so to speak, became obvious with our annual Trunk or Treat. In 2008 and 2009, the other two years I have been involved, Trunk or Treat was a small affair when we held it in a small parking lot on the backside of California Baptist University, next to where Sandals rented office space. This year, it was the first event (other than three of our five regular services), held at our new church. At one point, the line just to get in was 300 to 400 people long, with probably twice that many people already in either as church staff, trunk hosts, other volunteers or early-arriving guests. By guests, I mean a lot of Sandals' regular attenders, but also people from other churches and, one can hope, unchurched people who needed to see us Christians having fun like normal people.

Don and I had been given the task to greet those arriving. So, when that line stretched clear into Palmyrita Street (for about 10 minutes between 6:30 and 7 p.m.) it fell on us to make sure all of those people felt welcome and excited enough to stick around for what would be at least a 20-minute wait in line. That was exhilerating, but exhausting! What happened after that, at least for me, was a little more exhausting.

At our previous two Trunk or Treats, Sandals Church did not recruit many all-church volunteers. I was there to help the Women's Ministry with its trunk. I had planned on doing that again, but as a church greeter, when Sandals made plans to have them at Trunk or Treat, I also felt I should give my expertise to that ministry. That was about two months ago, and I wasn't sure if Women's Ministry would even do a Trunk or Treat.

Don told me "I think you should just do the Sandals greeting, and not worry about the Women's Ministry." This was a code for "I am going to be there, and I want to be in control of what you're doing. I would therefore feel more comfortable if you are not hanging out with your women friends." That may sound harsh, and it is. But it is not inaccurate.

Don did the same thing this summer, by demanding that I accompany him to Mona Vie meetings the same day as the second, third, fourth and fifth sessions of the women's summer Bible study. It was a Beth Moore study. I had really been looking forward to taking part. But my husband orchestrated it so I could not.

The problem. on the surface, is he does not have a car. This worked (for all of eight years) during his first marriage. I am not sure if it was a factor in Lynn's decision to fly solo. But I do know that ever since a month after he was rear-ended on Interstate 5 last February (he had a rental for the first month) it has been a problem for me. The problem is primarily work-related. In the past, when one of our cars was temporarily down (the longest stretch of that would probably have been when HE rear-ended another vehicle in Victorville) I was almost always the one who found myself without wheels. When it became apparent we would again be down to one car, and this time until he found a new job, I made it vehemently clear that he would not be permitted to take my wheels away on a regular basis. One thing I do not like about my job is that it is in downtown San Bernardino, because it is not where I want to be walking around. Too many creepy people on the streets there, plus bad drivers who hit people crossing the street. Wheels get me out of there for the lunch hour.

We have survived this by Don understanding that not sharing the car would be grounds for separation. I would hate that, but if he were going to have the car all the time, I would need to get out of that situation. I've had to reiterate that a few times by spending the entire evening researching marriage counselors, but we've come up with a workable solution. However, I've had to sacrifice women's ministry five or six times now to accommodate him.

This has been very frustrating. The summer session was to last about 10 weeks, so when Don forced me to miss four sessions in a row, I quit in frustration. In the meantime, I joined another church's women's Bible study. The host and I are the only members. I drive all the way to a location half-way between Corona and Lake Elsinore for this Bible study. There has to be a reason, but other than gaining a new friend from this, I am not sure what it is.

The book my other Bible study is working through is called "If You Want To Walk On Water, You Have to Get out of the Boat." The message of the book is that Jesus wants us to leave our comfort zone and trust him to do great things for Him, just as when Peter trusted him, he walked on water. (And when that trust wavered, he sank, but remember, he was the only one who even got out of the boat!)

The book is six chapters long. The first four chapters encouraged me to think about stepping up my ministry efforts. Sandals' Women's Ministry seemed, to me, a good place to do that. Since my Corona Bible study is only meeting twice a month, the fourth chapter is about where we were when the Sandals Women's Bible study resumed for the fall and began a new study on women of the Bible. I decided to go back, and seek out ministries that I might be able to do there. Since I once was a hospitality leader at my former church's women's ministry (TLBS at High Desert Church), I felt that volunteering to bring snacks wouldn't hurt. At the first meeting, I volunteered to bring snacks to the second meeting.

The night of the second meeting, Don decided HE wanted to volunteer for the construction work needed to complete the remodel of the warehouse that is now Sandals Church. This made it necessary for me to drive all the way from San Bernardino to March Air Force Base (normally about a 45-minute drive), to dinner across the street from the base, and then to the Sandals warehouse before going home, changing my clothes, getting my notebook, picking up the snacks and getting to Magnolia Baptist Church, where Women's Bible Study has always met (still does at least for the next few months).

This seemed like an awful lot to do in the two hours I had, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. A 20-minute delay leaving work, coupled with a longer than usual drive due to rain and bad traffic on the freeway, ate up the first hour. I didn't get home until 7:15. What's more, as far as I knew, Don would need a ride home, which would have necessitated me leaving the Bible study 30 minutes early. Had I gone that night, I would have only been able to stay less than an hour. Less than half of the time I was supposed to be there. I had failed. I was heartbroken.

But, I could still help with Trunk or Treat, I reasoned. Even though I only made it to two sessions between that night and Halloween, at the last of those I signed up to help the Women's Ministry during Trunk or Treat's last hour. And had I run straight from the line that was finally going down at the front of the church over to the Women's Ministry trunk, I could have done it. Except for one thing.

"I still need your help. Don't go over there," Don told me as we walked back to midway between the street and the area where the Trunk or Treat actually took place. What that really meant: "I can't handle being alone over here while you go over there." But I did go over there. Just long enough to tell them: "Sorry, I can't help you after all." I feel like I have failed these women.

I started this blog six weeks ago because at that point, it became clear to me that since I am the wife of a needy husband, and since my husband's needs include sharing my car, I probably will not be able to do any great ministry outside of the home. Don's demands on my time make it hard to even hold a full-time job outside of the home. Thankfully, I have an understanding boss and am good enough at what I do that it can be overlooked on those days where I can't devote more than 7.5 hours.

But, I am a good writer, and I can use that strenghth for ministry. I rationalized, or perhaps even responded to a call. If I start this blog, and give it a chance, there is a possiblity great things will come from it. If I don't start start the blog, no great things will come from it.

So, I posted two entries from my heart. And then, I had no overwhelming desire to write anything else. I feel like I have failed here too.

But, I hear God saying "Don't give up on this blog. You have acquired the wisdom of a grandmother now. That means you have lived enough life that many can learn from your experiences. But only if you open up and share those experiences."

It probably would be a good idea if that learning started with me.

The Corona Bible study ends tomorrow. The final two chapters focused on what to do when circumstances don't allow you to get out of the boat. In those times, you are to draw strength by leaning on the Lord. He probably will give you an opportunity to get out of the boat, and then you will be better prepared, because God has taken you through something difficult and you have grown closer to Him in that time.

That is what I needed to do when I waited for the opportunity to be a parent. It did come, not as I expected, but in a way that I now see is the best for me. Having children in college or younger as Don transitions from unemployment to retirement would have sucked! Having two children whose college education was primarily paid for by another set of parents, and who are both now out of college and who are the mother and uncle of my baby granddaughter is wonderful!

And it is what I need to do now. I expect, in time, God will show me a way to serve him beyond what I am already doing. I don't know. Perhaps Don will become more dependent. Perhaps God will give us a fantastic ministry we can do as a couple. Perhaps he just wants me to greet, blog and take care of Don, that's enough.

Some people at Sandals, including members of my small group and pastor's wife Tammy Brown, are a little bit aware that I feel limited in my ability to serve. They have encouraged me to feel good about greeting two services and in my ministry to Don. I try to do this, but when I see others doing more, it is hard. I just need to remember that God knows why I do what I do, and that he wants the best for me.

And, if anyone is reading this, who also feels that circumstances limit their ability to serve, please know that God will not hold that against you. He has you in the place he wants you. If you are not comfortable there, lean on him. Don't try to figure out why you are in this situation, or even what he wants you to learn from it. Just lean on him and learn more about him through Bible study, prayer and fellowship with other Christians. Be real with a select number of other Christians, your small group or a trusted Christian friend. Let Christ, through them, surround and protect you from this storm. Things will get better!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I didn't take the easy road in becoming a Grandma!



The day after Abigail was born, I came across an interesting question on my friend Carlos Whittaker's blog. "What was the hardest thing you have ever been through?" My response:

Wow, Carlos, funny you should ask this today as it is certainly on my mind. The hardest thing I have ever been through is that I was never able to have my own children. This was something I had to deal with constantly from the age of 29 (when my first husband and I tried to start our family), to age 35, the year I got divorced AND had a hysterectomy.

There were some very specific days I remember as the two worst in all that, the Mother’s Day six months after my failed infertility surgery, and the Mother’s Day six months after my hysterectomy. These were bad because I went to church and got treated like crap by pastors who wanted to focus all the attention on Moms. The first time, when I was 30, the assistant pastor asked all the moms to stand up. He then asked all the “men and young people” to stand up and join him in singing a song. I stayed frozen in my seat, and 18 years later, I think he’s still oblivious to that. The rest of that sermon, which was by a guest speaker, is a blur but I do remember it going so far down hill from there that by the end a mother of eight children was also insulted. Yes, I did quit going to that church after that, but for good reasons, went back a year or two later for a few more years.

Fast forward six years, and I am again at a different church, now having lost my husband and all hope of becoming a mom. The pastor there gives a sermon that basically said moms have unique gifts, and all men have other unique gifts – which of course led me to believe that I had no gifts whatsoever. I sobbed through that whole sermon. That pastor did realize the error of his ways, and called me the next day to apologize.

Why am I thinking about all this today? Because in 2000, two years after my second horrible Mother’s Day, I finally became a Mom. Holly was 19 years old then, Josh was 17. And yesterday, my 29-year-old “daughter” became a Mom for the first time. I am so, so, so, so happy for her. 99.9 percent of what I’m feeling is ecstacy. But there is that .1 percent that still says “Why couldn’t this have happened for me?”

But in the end, I have to say that God is good. I could not ask for two better stepchildren, and now I have a little girl in my life who will know me as “Grandma.”




Reflections of a Grandmother and Grandaughter


I actually wrote my first post before my granddaughter was born. I wrote it for the Sandals' Church blog, which had requested stories about our grandparents. There was an unexplained delay, so it actually was posted here first, but you can read it on their blog now too.

My grandmother, Helen Dill, is 90 years old. What a privilege it is to still be able to spend time with her! It is very sweet this year, because I had known since February that very soon, I too will be a grandmother.

Grandma was always looking out for the needs of others. It started when I was born, 3,000 miles away from her in Georgia. She hopped on a plane and was there before I came home from the hospital. Throughout my childhood, even though she was working as a nurse, she took care of my brother and me whenever my mom needed her help. She has always been one others could rely on for help as well. Even a few years ago, when my mom had surgery, Grandma was the one who came and took care of her until she was better.

Grandma has also amazed me with her acceptance of everyone. She may not approve of some things people around her are doing, but she just loves them with kindness. At times, as a younger Christian, I thought she was too accepting of others. Now, I realize that it is Christ's love she is showing them. She is one of the finest Christian women I know.

Although she has been legally blind for more than a decade, until last year when she moved into assisted living, she had someone take her every week to the women's Bible study at her church. She would increase her knowledge of the Bible simply by listening to women, some only half or one-third her age, discuss what they had learned by actually doing their Bible study. If I should suffer in my old age from the macular degeneration that blinded her and her mother, I will know exactly how to keep "reading" the Bible.

And even if my eyesight stays with me throughout my life, Grandma will be a role model to me in so many other ways. I hope to be for my granddaughter half the grandma mine has been and continues to be for me.