Six weeks or so ago when I started this blog, I hesitated in doing so, because I was afraid I would not have much to write about. Yet, I felt compelled to do so. And yet, the very reason that compelled me to write this blog has probably also hindered me from moving forward and adding at least this third post, perhaps the others that will follow.

My second entry I'm pretty sure was pretty heavy. How could I feel anything but happiness that I now have a granddaughter? But yet, I felt it would be good for someone out there to know that it would be OK, years after their own infertility is or was resolved, to feel jealousy when a close family member has a baby. I am sure glad that was a momentary feeling, seeing as how Abigail is the third of four babies born to close family members in the past year. My cousins, Jodi Lepore and Wendy Rippee, became first-time moms in December 2009 and February 2010 respectively. And my niece, Holly's cousin Kristan Hess became a first-time mom 12 days after Holly did. (Abigail is the only girl in the bunch.)

So there's lots to be happy about right? Not only that, just two days ago, something else new came into my life. My church, Sandals, has moved into a brand-new building. The fact that a new life has begun, so to speak, became obvious with our annual Trunk or Treat. In 2008 and 2009, the other two years I have been involved, Trunk or Treat was a small affair when we held it in a small parking lot on the backside of California Baptist University, next to where Sandals rented office space. This year, it was the first event (other than three of our five regular services), held at our new church. At one point, the line just to get in was 300 to 400 people long, with probably twice that many people already in either as church staff, trunk hosts, other volunteers or early-arriving guests. By guests, I mean a lot of Sandals' regular attenders, but also people from other churches and, one can hope, unchurched people who needed to see us Christians having fun like normal people.

Don and I had been given the task to greet those arriving. So, when that line stretched clear into Palmyrita Street (for about 10 minutes between 6:30 and 7 p.m.) it fell on us to make sure all of those people felt welcome and excited enough to stick around for what would be at least a 20-minute wait in line. That was exhilerating, but exhausting! What happened after that, at least for me, was a little more exhausting.

At our previous two Trunk or Treats, Sandals Church did not recruit many all-church volunteers. I was there to help the Women's Ministry with its trunk. I had planned on doing that again, but as a church greeter, when Sandals made plans to have them at Trunk or Treat, I also felt I should give my expertise to that ministry. That was about two months ago, and I wasn't sure if Women's Ministry would even do a Trunk or Treat.

Don told me "I think you should just do the Sandals greeting, and not worry about the Women's Ministry." This was a code for "I am going to be there, and I want to be in control of what you're doing. I would therefore feel more comfortable if you are not hanging out with your women friends." That may sound harsh, and it is. But it is not inaccurate.

Don did the same thing this summer, by demanding that I accompany him to Mona Vie meetings the same day as the second, third, fourth and fifth sessions of the women's summer Bible study. It was a Beth Moore study. I had really been looking forward to taking part. But my husband orchestrated it so I could not.

The problem. on the surface, is he does not have a car. This worked (for all of eight years) during his first marriage. I am not sure if it was a factor in Lynn's decision to fly solo. But I do know that ever since a month after he was rear-ended on Interstate 5 last February (he had a rental for the first month) it has been a problem for me. The problem is primarily work-related. In the past, when one of our cars was temporarily down (the longest stretch of that would probably have been when HE rear-ended another vehicle in Victorville) I was almost always the one who found myself without wheels. When it became apparent we would again be down to one car, and this time until he found a new job, I made it vehemently clear that he would not be permitted to take my wheels away on a regular basis. One thing I do not like about my job is that it is in downtown San Bernardino, because it is not where I want to be walking around. Too many creepy people on the streets there, plus bad drivers who hit people crossing the street. Wheels get me out of there for the lunch hour.

We have survived this by Don understanding that not sharing the car would be grounds for separation. I would hate that, but if he were going to have the car all the time, I would need to get out of that situation. I've had to reiterate that a few times by spending the entire evening researching marriage counselors, but we've come up with a workable solution. However, I've had to sacrifice women's ministry five or six times now to accommodate him.

This has been very frustrating. The summer session was to last about 10 weeks, so when Don forced me to miss four sessions in a row, I quit in frustration. In the meantime, I joined another church's women's Bible study. The host and I are the only members. I drive all the way to a location half-way between Corona and Lake Elsinore for this Bible study. There has to be a reason, but other than gaining a new friend from this, I am not sure what it is.

The book my other Bible study is working through is called "If You Want To Walk On Water, You Have to Get out of the Boat." The message of the book is that Jesus wants us to leave our comfort zone and trust him to do great things for Him, just as when Peter trusted him, he walked on water. (And when that trust wavered, he sank, but remember, he was the only one who even got out of the boat!)

The book is six chapters long. The first four chapters encouraged me to think about stepping up my ministry efforts. Sandals' Women's Ministry seemed, to me, a good place to do that. Since my Corona Bible study is only meeting twice a month, the fourth chapter is about where we were when the Sandals Women's Bible study resumed for the fall and began a new study on women of the Bible. I decided to go back, and seek out ministries that I might be able to do there. Since I once was a hospitality leader at my former church's women's ministry (TLBS at High Desert Church), I felt that volunteering to bring snacks wouldn't hurt. At the first meeting, I volunteered to bring snacks to the second meeting.

The night of the second meeting, Don decided HE wanted to volunteer for the construction work needed to complete the remodel of the warehouse that is now Sandals Church. This made it necessary for me to drive all the way from San Bernardino to March Air Force Base (normally about a 45-minute drive), to dinner across the street from the base, and then to the Sandals warehouse before going home, changing my clothes, getting my notebook, picking up the snacks and getting to Magnolia Baptist Church, where Women's Bible Study has always met (still does at least for the next few months).

This seemed like an awful lot to do in the two hours I had, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. A 20-minute delay leaving work, coupled with a longer than usual drive due to rain and bad traffic on the freeway, ate up the first hour. I didn't get home until 7:15. What's more, as far as I knew, Don would need a ride home, which would have necessitated me leaving the Bible study 30 minutes early. Had I gone that night, I would have only been able to stay less than an hour. Less than half of the time I was supposed to be there. I had failed. I was heartbroken.

But, I could still help with Trunk or Treat, I reasoned. Even though I only made it to two sessions between that night and Halloween, at the last of those I signed up to help the Women's Ministry during Trunk or Treat's last hour. And had I run straight from the line that was finally going down at the front of the church over to the Women's Ministry trunk, I could have done it. Except for one thing.

"I still need your help. Don't go over there," Don told me as we walked back to midway between the street and the area where the Trunk or Treat actually took place. What that really meant: "I can't handle being alone over here while you go over there." But I did go over there. Just long enough to tell them: "Sorry, I can't help you after all." I feel like I have failed these women.

I started this blog six weeks ago because at that point, it became clear to me that since I am the wife of a needy husband, and since my husband's needs include sharing my car, I probably will not be able to do any great ministry outside of the home. Don's demands on my time make it hard to even hold a full-time job outside of the home. Thankfully, I have an understanding boss and am good enough at what I do that it can be overlooked on those days where I can't devote more than 7.5 hours.

But, I am a good writer, and I can use that strenghth for ministry. I rationalized, or perhaps even responded to a call. If I start this blog, and give it a chance, there is a possiblity great things will come from it. If I don't start start the blog, no great things will come from it.

So, I posted two entries from my heart. And then, I had no overwhelming desire to write anything else. I feel like I have failed here too.

But, I hear God saying "Don't give up on this blog. You have acquired the wisdom of a grandmother now. That means you have lived enough life that many can learn from your experiences. But only if you open up and share those experiences."

It probably would be a good idea if that learning started with me.

The Corona Bible study ends tomorrow. The final two chapters focused on what to do when circumstances don't allow you to get out of the boat. In those times, you are to draw strength by leaning on the Lord. He probably will give you an opportunity to get out of the boat, and then you will be better prepared, because God has taken you through something difficult and you have grown closer to Him in that time.

That is what I needed to do when I waited for the opportunity to be a parent. It did come, not as I expected, but in a way that I now see is the best for me. Having children in college or younger as Don transitions from unemployment to retirement would have sucked! Having two children whose college education was primarily paid for by another set of parents, and who are both now out of college and who are the mother and uncle of my baby granddaughter is wonderful!

And it is what I need to do now. I expect, in time, God will show me a way to serve him beyond what I am already doing. I don't know. Perhaps Don will become more dependent. Perhaps God will give us a fantastic ministry we can do as a couple. Perhaps he just wants me to greet, blog and take care of Don, that's enough.

Some people at Sandals, including members of my small group and pastor's wife Tammy Brown, are a little bit aware that I feel limited in my ability to serve. They have encouraged me to feel good about greeting two services and in my ministry to Don. I try to do this, but when I see others doing more, it is hard. I just need to remember that God knows why I do what I do, and that he wants the best for me.

And, if anyone is reading this, who also feels that circumstances limit their ability to serve, please know that God will not hold that against you. He has you in the place he wants you. If you are not comfortable there, lean on him. Don't try to figure out why you are in this situation, or even what he wants you to learn from it. Just lean on him and learn more about him through Bible study, prayer and fellowship with other Christians. Be real with a select number of other Christians, your small group or a trusted Christian friend. Let Christ, through them, surround and protect you from this storm. Things will get better!